Domestic Abuse & Faith: Supporting Survivors
Domestic Abuse & Faith: Supporting Survivors
Today's episode is on domestic abuse and Marylayo is talking to guest, Brandie Opone, who has a passion for empowering others. Brandie leads a vibrant women's ministry group in her local church and serves on the board of her local community to champion positive change.
Discussion covers:
- Shining a Light: Using Your Gifts to Make a Difference
- Balancing Submission and Control in Relationships
- The Impact of Domestic Abuse on Mental Health and Wellbeing
- Rebuilding Lives: Advice for Survivors of Domestic Abuse
- Recognising the Signs: Supporting Those Experiencing Domestic Abuse
- Resources and Support for Survivors of Domestic Abuse
- Taking Care of Your Mental Health When Working with Survivors
- Finding Hope: Reaching out for Help in Times of Abuse
Take a moment to delve into what may be 'beyond the smile' - listen in to the conversation.
Guest details:
Brandie is a multi-talented woman with a passion for empowering others. Her background in Governance and Compliance provides a foundation of strength, while her talents as a gospel singer, songwriter and music director bring a touch of creativity. However it's her unwavering commitment to support women's empowerment that truly shines. Brandie leads a women's ministry, where she fosters a space for women to flourish. She inspires them to discover their unique identities in Christ, guiding them towards self-discovery and purpose. She is a dedicated advocate for those facing domestic violence. Her work focuses on raising awareness and ensuring all have access to the support and resources they need to heal and thrive. Brandie serves on her local community board, championing positive change and encouraging community engagement.
Guest contact details:
Resources:
Marylayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the bible scripture John 10:10
For help in dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.
#BeyondTheSmile #DomesticAbuse #MaryLayoTalks #MentalHealth #Faith
Transcript
1
::MaryLayo: Welcome to beyond the smile with me,
MaryLayo, a podcast that discusses mental
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::health and spiritual wellbeing.
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::If you like what you hear, please do remember
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::to follow and share.
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::But before we jump in, there may be episodes
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::that are particularly sensitive for some
listeners.
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::And if that applies, then I hope you will join
me whenever you feel ready and able.
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::In today's episode, I'm speaking with guest
Brandi Opone about domestic abuse.
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::Brandie leads a women's ministry in her local
church, and she also serves on the board of
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::her local community.
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::So I started off by asking her about her
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::passion to champion social issues such as
domestic abuse and where it all comes from.
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::Let's join in the conversation.
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::Hey, Brandie.
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::So what led you to actually get involved in
working with people, whether it be in your
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::community or in church?
Because you obviously have a passion in that
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::area.
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::So what led you to that?
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::Brandie: Thank you, Mary. Why do I start from
so many things to talk about?
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::But I think just from my background, and I
would say my faith as a child of God, I think
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::one of the very things that I've come to
realise is, as christians, Jesus said to us
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::that we should go out and be the light and
shine that light.
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::And I believe every human being has a gift and
has something that the world needs.
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::And for me, I discovered a very long time ago
that there's something about me that I just
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::don't like seeing people needing help and not
do anything about it.
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::So I kind of worked on that strength of mine.
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::And just little by little, anytime I see
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::things that are needed, I step in and I try to
help when people feel, when I feel like people
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::are not getting the right support, I've always
been like an advocate, sometimes speak up for
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::them.
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::So gradually, I just built that ability and I
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::just see it come out naturally wherever I find
myself.
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::And it's always obvious anybody that says, oh,
Randy, you love doing this thing.
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::And so I kind of reach out to the community,
even though I do it at church.
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::But also, it's very important that the gospel
is taken out to the streets and not just in
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::the four walls of the building, because we are
the church as children of God.
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::MaryLayo: So one of the hats that you wear is,
you know, having or leading that ministry in
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::church that you mentioned.
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::So, like, what's involved in leading a
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::ministry in, within a church setting?
And how do you actually get past those
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::challenges that comes with, especially
domestic abuse?
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::Because that's a big and very serious.
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::Brandie: Thing, I think one thing I would say
is, in all walks of life in church, in secular
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::world, in your workplace, even in your family,
your home, human beings can be challenging
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::because everybody has different personalities,
likes, interests.
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::So bringing people together, I think one of
the things I would say is learning how to work
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::with people is very, very important and just
having a balance of knowing that everyone is
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::an individual and trying to treat them as that
rather than just having to apply every
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::principle.
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::And I think one of the challenges, I would
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::say, is there's never enough support.
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::You will try your best, you will do what you
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::can, but you can only go so far.
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::What we try to do is to empower people so they
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::can stand on their own feet.
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::But with domestic abuse, what I would say is
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::because for a long time, and, you know, I use
a caveat to this, for a long time, the body of
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::Christ, you know, what we've learned, what has
been passed down to us, is that God hates
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::divorce.
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::So when there is an issue of domestic abuse,
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::you know, the church is cut in between.
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::Well, I'm not speaking from personal
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::experience, but in general, the church is
caught in between God hates the boss and
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::trying to make sure a home is kept together.
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::And sometimes where do we get that balance?
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::And so even we know the nature of God.
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::God is love, and anything that is outside of
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::that does not reflect God.
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::So if you're in a relationship and, you know,
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::it's not reflecting God, then there's an
issue.
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::And that's where sometimes the church is now.
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::You know, there's learning in place, and then
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::the church is beginning to understand the
demographic and the dynamics of these things,
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::and they are putting it in place.
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::But it's just the aspect of balancing faith
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::and practical living on a day to day basis,
that's one of the challenges we face in
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::addressing domestic abuse.
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::MaryLayo: So, like, one of the key words that
I've picked out from what you've said is about
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::the balance.
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::And, like, you know, especially, like in,
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::let's say, christian circles or even faith
groups where things are very much black and
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::white, you know, no compromise, no watering
down.
83
::It's either this or that.
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::Like, something that comes to mind is about,
85
::is there a fine line when it comes to being
led, for example, by your spouse who is seen
86
::to be or who should be the head of a household
and being controlled?
87
::Because one of the things I'm aware of is that
when it comes to abuse, domestic abuse
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::control, and that manipulation is a key
factor.
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::So when it comes to, I guess, domestic abuse,
and especially in a faith kind of setting,
90
::when things are very much black and white.
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::Is there a fine line between, you know,
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::leading and controlling?
Yeah.
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::What's your thoughts on that?
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::Brandie: I think this thing is not plain, as
simple as it is, but we know, like I always
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::say, as christians, the word of God is our
manual for living.
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::So even in submission in the Bible, as husband
and wife, the Bible still says husbands and
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::wife should submit to one another.
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::So leading in the Bible is you being a
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::servant, not a controller, not manipulating.
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::So if you are being led, you are supposed to
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::be free to make decisions.
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::You are supposed to be free to have a choice,
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::because God himself gives us choices.
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::We have free will.
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::God does not manipulate us.
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::So if you are being led, there is a difference
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::between being led and controlled.
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::Control takes away the rights.
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::You can't make any decision.
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::You just follow.
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::You can't speak, you can't do much, but being
led still gives you a chance to be you, to be
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::free to make decisions where you are not, you
know, you don't feel like you don't have a say
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::and you don't have a choice.
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::And I. I believe that's one of the areas that
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::a lot of abusers have gotten away with
abusing, you know, their spouses.
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::And it's not just women that face abuse.
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::Men do, but it's.
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::It's.
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::The scale is tilted more to women, and so it's
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::still having a balance.
121
::And I guess doctrine plays a factor.
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::If the doctrine is not sound in a church, it
can affect you knowing the difference.
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::And that's why knowledge is key to
understanding what is being led and being
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::controlled.
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::So your church environment is very important
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::in understanding the difference.
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::But, yeah, it's not one size fits all
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::sometimes with these things, you know.
129
::MaryLayo: Like what you said, like, even
reminded me about how when it even comes to
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::leadership.
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::So, yes, you can be the head of a household,
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::but when it comes to leadership, there's also
something about, like, serving others, serving
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::those that you lead, not controlling, you
know, not manipulating, but actually serving
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::them.
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::You know, you've got that, you know, having
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::that kind of, like, pastoral kind of nature,
you know, that nature of caring, just like
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::even Jesus did.
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::So that's what came to my mind when you were
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::just talking, you know.
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::Yeah.
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::About leadership and leading the way.
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::Yeah.
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::Brandie: Yes, absolutely.
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::Jesus served Jesus then, and he showed the
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::example.
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::He said, those that will be great among you
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::will serve you are not great by controlling
people.
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::And we know God does not even control even he
created us.
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::He has, he can tell you he can control your
mind, but he still does and that is love.
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::Love does not control.
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::MaryLayo: So I can, like, I can imagine that,
like, given that you lead a women's ministry,
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::you serve in your local community, and I can
imagine that you've encountered quite a lot of
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::women, people in general, that have struggled
or that have been affected by issues such as
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::domestic abuse.
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::So what kind of impact can domestic abuse have
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::on an individual, especially when it comes to
mental health well being?
157
::I mean, some things are obvious to me, but it
would be good for you just to talk through the
158
::kind of things that you've noticed in terms of
the impact of domestic abuse on people.
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::Brandie: Yeah, I think one of the first things
is that people become a shadow of themselves,
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::that you're stripped of who you are, kind of
have no sense of who you are because you are
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::just in this zone.
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::You have.
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::You feel worthless.
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::That's what abuse does to you.
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::There is a sense of shame that comes with
abuse as well.
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::There is a sense of low self esteem.
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::People feel like their life is over.
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::Like, wow, I've wasted my life.
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::Where do I start from?
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::They become hopeless.
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::There's no way out.
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::They can't see them returning a number of
things.
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::And maybe if there's money involved, finances
can be affected.
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::That also causes, you know, anxiety.
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::How do I move forward?
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::How do I rebuild my life?
Or some might be domestic and, you know, like
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::physical, sorry, violence, you know, injury,
you know, bruises that you have suffered from
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::that relationship.
179
::So there are different things, just different
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::nuances to the situation.
181
::But I think loss of yourself, because when you
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::lose who you are, that's where you as a
person, that's where you operate from.
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::And if you don't know who you are, then you're
confused.
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::You can't really achieve what you want to do.
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::Yeah.
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::MaryLayo: So when you were sharing, like, I
guess I was imagining about how for people who
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::do feel that shame, they have lost their
confidence.
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::They do feel like, let's just say that there's
no hope.
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::How can people actually pluck up the courage
to actually speak to someone, to look for that
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::support when they're in a place of
hopelessness, when they're in a place of
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::shame, you know, because that's going to be
difficult for people.
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::Brandie: I think, you know, with different
situation with domestic abuse victims.
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::So anyone that has gone through some form of
trauma, I think one of the things that
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::happened is they have to come to that place
themselves.
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::So you can encourage them, you can, you know,
highlight things to them, but then you have to
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::give them time to process all of what they've
been through, because no matter what you say,
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::if they're not ready, they're not ready.
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::And if you try to force them, they'll go back
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::again and that is even more danger to them
because then the abuser knows, oh, something
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::is happening and then they are at risk.
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::I guess it's just about, you know, educating
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::them.
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::So. And that's why, you know, in places of
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::worship, you see now that they're putting up
posters, you know, in different touch points
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::about what domestic abuse looks like in.
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::If you go to organisations, they have it up as
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::well.
208
::Toilets, you go to toilets, most times you see
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::it in the toilet.
210
::So just encouraging them and don't make them
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::feel like, oh, you should know better.
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::Don't make them feel less than themselves or
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::feel like, oh, they're being stupid or
foolish, just make them feel like, you know
214
::what, there is strength in whatever you're
going to do.
215
::I'm here to support you whenever.
216
::Just encourage them and be there for them and
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::gently wait for them patiently until they are
ready to just take this step.
218
::MaryLayo: One of the things you mentioned was
about putting posters up, raising that
219
::awareness in terms of what does domestic abuse
look like?
220
::So can you just shed a bit of light as to what
that can look like so that an individual can
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::actually recognise the signs in their own
lives if they need to?
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::Brandie: I think one of the signs of domestic
abuse, more than anything else, is just that
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::control, that power, not equal.
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::And as if you're in a relationship, it should
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::be an.
226
::It should be a balance, equal balance, where
227
::you're free to be yourself, to live life to
the fullest, because God has given you that
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::freedom.
229
::He paid the price for you to be free.
230
::And so if you're in a relationship where you
are afraid, you're working on eggshells, your
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::opinion is not needed, it's not listened to.
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::You can't your family, you are isolated from
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::people.
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::You know, you go out and you're thinking, you
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::know, sometimes you go out and I've noticed
some women, like, I have to go.
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::If I don't go home, this is going to happen.
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::They are living in a state of constant panic,
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::fear.
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::So. And some of these posters, that's what it
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::highlights in those posters, if you having
anxiety, there's fear.
241
::If you're worried about, you know, tomorrow,
but the signs are always there.
242
::But because sometimes people are not aware,
they just don't know.
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::But there's this thing that you feel that
trauma does to you, that, you know, something
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::is not right.
245
::But you can't just put your hands to it.
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::And so, yeah, that's what it looks like.
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::And I guess a lot of organisations now have
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::training.
249
::Like, you go to the hairdressers as well.
250
::Hairdressers are being trained because lots of
women would share a lot of things when you are
251
::having your hair done, the hairdressers know
everybody's secrets on that chair.
252
::So hairdressers are being trained to recognise
this sign.
253
::People are more likely to open up to their
hairdressers when they have their hair done.
254
::So they are being trained.
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::And so you can, it's a position of trust.
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::You can, they can guide you and encourage you.
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::So they have all those awareness there as
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::well, touch points where, you know, people go
through and that trust is being built.
259
::MaryLayo: So I want to bring it a bit in terms
of the spotlight on someone who has, who has
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::faith, you know, and I'm, and I'm bringing
this because I know that you, you do, you do
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::work with women, you do support them and, you
know, it's all about nurturing them so that
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::they're thriving and they're the best version
of themselves.
263
::So, like, when it comes to, especially those
who are, let's just call it women of faith,
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::they have a faith.
265
::The underlining principle in terms of their
266
::relationship with their partner or their
spouse is a, about commitment.
267
::You know, they really do understand and adhere
to and respect covenants, you know,
268
::commitments.
269
::So how, how can someone who is struggling with
270
::that, you know, given the fact that they
believe and they value, is about staying
271
::committed to a person who may very well not
necessarily be helping them to be that, you
272
::know, bringing out the best version of
themselves?
273
::And if anything, it's the reverse.
274
::How, how can, how does faith come into play
275
::with the, the challenges that they may be
going through and how can they help themselves
276
::spiritually, even during those circumstances?
277
::Brandie: Well, I guess, you know, there's
something I said previously about the doctrine
278
::you're exposed to.
279
::It is very important.
280
::So if, if you're in an environment where all
the preachers, well, the male figure is, you
281
::know, you should submit whatever is happening,
just pray to God.
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::And God can do all things.
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::God can do everything.
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::And we have to remember that God, yes, as much
as he can do all things, he has still given us
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::responsibility as humans.
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::God is not going to come and brush my teeth
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::for me.
288
::He's not going to give me bath.
289
::He expects me to be able to do certain things.
290
::And so as human beings, there's a level of
291
::responsibility that we should, you know, take
on for ourselves.
292
::So if you are in a place that the doctrine is
not sound, these are some of the effects it
293
::will have on your faith and, you know,
recognising the signs, because sometimes you
294
::don't even need a domestic abuse awareness.
295
::Just the doctrine you listen to would empower
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::you to know that something is not right.
297
::This is not what Christ died for.
298
::And I think one of the challenges most women
would say is the first step, if somebody you
299
::recognise and they come to you, I think the
first step is to encourage them first, because
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::nobody wants a situation where you just drag
people out of their marriages.
301
::That's not what it is about when fate is
involved, except there is a danger to life,
302
::immediate danger to life, then regardless of
what it is, that person should be removed from
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::that circumstances.
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::Regardless.
305
::There is no two ways about it, even with
faith.
306
::God expects us to be wise in that.
307
::So, but on that point, the first thing most
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::times is always advisable.
309
::Maybe a separation and a counselling process
310
::to go through that, if the abuser is willing
to go through that process, says, but one of
311
::these things women can, because the Bible has
said we will go through challenges and we'll
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::go through different things in this life.
313
::But Jesus says that he has overcome, and
314
::that's one of the things, the things as a
child of God, you need to encourage yourself.
315
::Nobody's saying you should live in a home,
that you're being abused.
316
::Your mental state is not working.
317
::If you're mentally, you know, you can't take
318
::it anymore.
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::Leave so you can, you know, work on yourself,
320
::build yourself up.
321
::That's when you can't fight anything or, you
322
::know, go through any challenge.
323
::That's what we always say.
324
::If your mental and emotional well being is
compromised, please separate yourself for the
325
::time being and just get time to regroup and
recover, rather than being there and praying.
326
::You know, I know a lot of churches say just
pray and pray and pray and the woman is dying
327
::slowly.
328
::So we don't advise people to remain, but we
329
::don't take people out of their marriages
because, you know, there is a step to all of
330
::these things.
331
::People change.
332
::You know, even in the Bible, forgiveness is
there.
333
::So people can change, they can.
334
::There's nothing the power of God cannot do.
335
::Even the criminal on the cross with Christ,
you know, what happened.
336
::He still was, you know, with Christ in heaven,
so there's nobody that is not redeemable.
337
::But at the same time, there is a balance to
the approach that we take in this.
338
::I hope I answered the question.
339
::MaryLayo: Oh, you did?
I mean, yeah, I'm glad you kind of gave a
340
::fuller picture in terms of a process.
341
::And it sounded very, really balanced,
342
::actually, because behind the question, I was
also thinking about stories that I've read
343
::where even, for example, high profile, let's
just say wives of pastors, they've died over
344
::from domestic abuse.
345
::And therefore, you just even highlighting that
346
::where there's a danger to life, you know, and
how critical that is, you know, to preserve
347
::that life.
348
::Yeah.
349
::That really does make steps in terms of the
practical steps.
350
::It's not about breaking up and separating from
or permanently separating a relationship.
351
::It's about preserving life.
352
::And I guess really helping to facilitate that
353
::that relationship is over.
354
::Time is what it's destined to be or what it
355
::potentially can be.
356
::And there's a process that's involved.
357
::Brandie: Yes.
358
::MaryLayo: So like you mentioned about how the
impact of domestic abuse on someone's
359
::wellbeing, you know, it can be significant and
how they tend to be a shadow of their true
360
::selves.
361
::What are the kind of steps that survivors can
362
::take to build themselves up again?
Once, for example, they're in a position to
363
::focus on themselves and they've separated from
that detrimental kind of experience.
364
::What are the kind of things that they can do
to help build themselves up again?
365
::Brandie: Yeah, I think one of the first things
I would always say to people is just be kind
366
::to yourself, be gentle with yourself, because
sometimes the abuse is not physical.
367
::People don't see the impacts.
368
::It's like a wound that you have, and it heals
369
::over time.
370
::If you have a fracture, you're not just going
371
::to start walking the same day.
372
::There's a process that, that healing takes.
373
::And I always say, be gentle, be kind, because
the first thing that goes through an abuse and
374
::a person has been abused is the shame and
guilt of, why did I allow this happen to me?
375
::You know, why.
376
::Why was I there for this long?
377
::They blame themselves a lot.
378
::There's this guilt that they carry for so
379
::long.
380
::And that's why I said, be kind to yourself.
381
::You're not stupid.
382
::You're not foolish.
383
::None of those things define you.
384
::It's just the abuser took advantage of who you
385
::are and just, you know, most of people that
abuse are loving people.
386
::They are kind.
387
::You know, they give you opportunities to
388
::change, and abusers take advantage of that
nature.
389
::So be kind to yourself.
390
::And I think empowering yourself is very
391
::important.
392
::So the first step is, what do I want to do
393
::next?
Do I want to work?
394
::Do I want to go for training?
Do I want to go for.
395
::I think therapy is very important so you can
talk through what has happened.
396
::You know, talk to a trained person.
397
::We have some in the body of Christ that are
398
::trained therapists.
399
::If you want to go down the fate route, if you
400
::also want to go down, you know, the secular
route is also helpful.
401
::All of these things work together.
402
::You know, as christians, we don't condemn, oh,
403
::this is not from church, so it's not good.
404
::You know, God is the one that has giving us
405
::that wisdom, even in medicine, to be a
blessing to us.
406
::So we don't rule out anyone.
407
::We work together.
408
::We're not against each other.
409
::So if you need to go counselling, therapy,
410
::support groups as well, you know, support
groups are good.
411
::Like women of like mind, of like women of
faith now will go to an environment.
412
::Maybe Christians, maybe Muslims will go to
support groups that, you know, meet their
413
::needs.
414
::And also having people around you is very,
415
::very important to help you through this stage.
416
::For instance, some people have children also,
417
::along with living an abusive relationship.
418
::So there's a lot of pressure, you know,
419
::getting support, um, if some people need to
move homes as well.
420
::So there's a lot of things that go with this
thing, but it's just one step at a time.
421
::I believe it's always good to process.
422
::It's one step.
423
::Don't try to do everything and just look after
yourself.
424
::Do things that you enjoy, because when you are
probably in that relationship, you don't do
425
::things anymore.
426
::You lose yourself.
427
::You don't even know who you are.
428
::So do things that make you you, that make you
429
::value yourself, that bring out who you are as
a person.
430
::But I say first thing, be kind to yourself and
take each day one step at a time and have
431
::people around you that can pull you up,
because actually, some days will be low, some
432
::days those emotions will flood in.
433
::So it's very important that you have people to
434
::help you at that point and those moments when
it happens.
435
::MaryLayo: Thanks, Brandy.
436
::Like one of the.
437
::I guess one of the things that comes to my
mind is just how you've got a lot of advice
438
::and to share for those people in that
situation.
439
::And you mentioned quite a few.
440
::Anyway, in terms of what's out there for
441
::people to tap into, is there anything else,
maybe whether it be in the local community or
442
::in a church setting, is there anything else
that may be available in terms of support or
443
::resources that comes to mind?
444
::Brandie: I think with every church is
different.
445
::I wouldn't be able to speak for all the
churches.
446
::But I know when it comes to community and
charities, government provision, I know there
447
::are resources when it comes to accommodation,
living at home, they are.
448
::You have an exemption where they have section
seven, they have some caveat to the clause
449
::that helps you relocate as a survivor of
abuse, they have financial supports, they have
450
::charities that help you with things you need
for a house, white goods, they have
451
::organisations like that within the community,
people that can come and peer supports that
452
::would come with you.
453
::Maybe sometimes people might be going through
454
::courts or parenting and, you know, all of that
shared care.
455
::So you have somebody that comes with you on
that journey.
456
::Some charities offer that.
457
::And I guess in the church it's more of welfare
458
::in general, making sure your spiritual well
being, your emotional, your physical well
459
::being.
460
::And I would say there's welfare packages in
461
::churches as well, where they help you
financially, they will support you.
462
::And that's why I said, you know, faith and I,
you know, secular works together.
463
::It's not.
464
::We don't rule out one for the other, we just
465
::complement each other.
466
::So where the church cannot, where the
467
::resources are, probably not enough government
facilities and fund is available for people to
468
::tap into.
469
::But I think more the church also have a
470
::package of just making sure emotionally,
mentally, spiritually, you are there and, you
471
::know, support group meetings, praying with
you, one to one, checking in and things like
472
::that.
473
::I think it all works together, you know, and
474
::we have a particular organisation called
restored.
475
::Restored is a christian charity that do a lot
of campaign and awareness in the UK for
476
::domestic abuse.
477
::They're really good with materials and
478
::signposting survivors to help that they would
need.
479
::MaryLayo: So, Brandy, like, when you're there
dishing out support and help and advice to
480
::others, I imagine that because this is a
really heavy, I would say, emotionally
481
::challenging area, you would have your own
frustrations or.
482
::Yeah, or challenges that you face.
483
::What are the particular frustrations you may
484
::encounter?
And then how do you actually look after your
485
::own mental health and well being, given your
role?
486
::Brandie: Yeah, I think sometimes, I think when
I first started a few years ago, I used to
487
::think I was Jesus Christ, I could save
everybody and I tried to do everything and
488
::then I would just feel so overwhelmed because
I'm thinking, ah, this person, you know,
489
::sometimes you just want to grab the person and
say, can't you just see?
490
::And then over time, you learn, you know, it
doesn't work like that.
491
::Even though somebody needs help, there's
nothing you can do until they're ready and to
492
::get help.
493
::And sometimes it's accessing resources
494
::because, you know, the government now, there's
a lot of cuts, you know, here and there.
495
::So sometimes it can be a challenge to get
resources and people are already traumatised,
496
::you know, having to make calls, contact, care,
referrals and a lot of things, especially when
497
::maybe children are in the.
498
::The police are involved.
499
::There's a lot of things that go with this
thing.
500
::So sometimes those are challenges and me
trying to be the saviour of the world, so
501
::sometimes that can happen.
502
::But over time, with experience, one thing I've
503
::learned is I can't save everybody.
504
::I can only do my bits and do it well.
505
::And I. Work is work.
506
::Whatever I'm doing, it stays there.
507
::I try and enjoy a land where I don't take it,
I don't suck it in.
508
::Yeah.
509
::I feel the empathy and compassion towards
510
::people at the same time.
511
::It's not a burden for me to carry.
512
::So I've learned to separate the two and, you
know, make sure I'm able to support, but at
513
::the same time, not soaking the pressure in and
going, not sleeping at night because of the
514
::person I spoke to, I wouldn't do that.
515
::But it's taking me time.
516
::And I also decompress as well.
517
::I have somebody I report to even in my role
518
::with women.
519
::So I would talk about my experiences, get
520
::advice, because it's very necessary.
521
::You also.
522
::They said a counsellor needs a counsellor.
523
::So it's very important that you have, you
524
::know, mentors and support around you because
of all the information you're taking in.
525
::Yeah.
526
::So that's how I kind of get the balance for
527
::myself.
528
::MaryLayo: Sure. And, like, how would, how
would someone.
529
::Because this is tricky.
530
::This.
531
::How would someone who maybe suspects that
someone they know is being abused, you know,
532
::domestically, you know, unless you've got firm
evidence or someone's specifically spoken to
533
::you, you can't just wade in.
534
::So how, what's the kind of advice you would
535
::give to someone who suspects that, whether
it's a friend or a family member or a
536
::colleague, who suspects that, you know, that
person, that contact is being domestically
537
::abused?
538
::Brandie: Yes. So I think with this thing,
sometimes it's, like I said, it's so easy.
539
::Everybody wants to save.
540
::Everybody think, oh, yes, they're going
541
::through, but this thing, there's also a danger
to doing that because you can put the person
542
::at risk in you trying to save them.
543
::So when somebody comes and says, oh, I suspect
544
::so, so, so, so this person is going through
this, the first thing is just have a
545
::conversation with them, not necessarily about
the abuse.
546
::When you give them clues, like, this is what
it looks like when somebody's abused this and
547
::this, these are the signs to look out for.
548
::And then you talk to them, not going directly
549
::to them, say, oh, you're being abused or stuff
like that.
550
::But you kind of speak to them like, oh, ask
questions, I don't know, direct.
551
::But you pick up on clues, you know, being
around them.
552
::Sometimes you don't need to even.
553
::They don't need to tell you, you know, it's so
554
::obvious to everybody else apart from the
person that has been abused.
555
::Just be gentle with them, be patient.
556
::Just highlight a few things to them and let
557
::them think about it.
558
::Don't go and throw posters in their living
559
::room and put it on the, you know, send them
text messages or YouTube videos.
560
::Oh, do you know the science of domestic?
It doesn't work.
561
::And, you know, you can put the person, the
person can just be with the abuser and say,
562
::oh, do you know this person said, sends me
this thing.
563
::What?
And the person, like, oh, what's going on?
564
::So these things, there is a caveat to it.
565
::Sometimes it's just about being there for
566
::them, you know, gently, you know, always
trying to just sometimes just say, hmm, how is
567
::this?
You think this is right?
568
::You know, as believers, if I was talking to a
fellow believer, I would say, use the word of
569
::God and bring the word of God into the
picture.
570
::What does God say about this?
What is God's love?
571
::What does that look like?
See, when you begin to counsel somebody with
572
::the word of God, it begins to enlighten them
and they begin to see differently.
573
::So you just use that as a yardstick.
574
::But then on a secular level, you just be
575
::friends with them, be a listening ear.
576
::They always get to the end of themselves.
577
::Honestly.
578
::Abuse your emotions will get to a limit where
579
::you can't take it anymore, and then you seek
for help.
580
::Most times it happens like that.
581
::But if there's a danger at the same time, then
582
::you have to, you know, step in, especially
when children are involved as well.
583
::You have to overrule that confidentiality
thing, not just wait until they are dead.
584
::You have to take a step and help them in that
situation.
585
::If there's a danger, a risk to life, but
there's no set rule.
586
::I would say you just each situation as it
comes, you deal with it.
587
::MaryLayo: So then lastly, I would ask if
someone is actually listening to this and they
588
::are in an abusive relationship, what advice
would you like to leave for them?
589
::Brandie: Okay. Wow, interesting.
590
::What I would say is there is always hope.
591
::There's no situation that is hopeless.
592
::You are precious, you are loved and you are
593
::what?
Every time, you know, every investment, you're
594
::worth it.
595
::So don't feel like you're disturbing anybody
596
::like I would do.
597
::Some people just feel like you're disturbing
598
::somebody but don't feel like that, you know,
there is help available.
599
::Resources are available to help you.
600
::If you're experiencing domestic abuse, reach
601
::out for help.
602
::There are organisations that can help you.
603
::There is no judgement, there is no shame
involved.
604
::You are not defined by abuse.
605
::Reach out for help.
606
::You are very precious.
607
::You are very precious.
608
::So please don't, if you're even in doubt, just
pick up that phone and make that phone call.
609
::Call that helpline, call that friend, call,
whatever it is that you need to.
610
::Just make that phone call.
611
::And that will be the first step to a new
612
::journey that will bring out the best of who
you are.
613
::There is hope after abuse is not the end.
614
::So please, please reach out and there is help
615
::available for you.
616
::Thank you and God bless.
617
::MaryLayo: Thank you, Brandie.
618
::I just want to echo those words about, you
619
::know, there being hope and for someone to
reach out and pick up that phone or talk to
620
::that person or that use that helpline,
whatever out there that's available, that
621
::there is hope.
622
::Brandie: All right.
623
::MaryLayo: Thank you so much, brandy, for
sharing on this challenging but very prevalent
624
::issue that we know happens and often behind
closed doors.
625
::So thank you so much for sharing.
626
::Brandie: So openly on domestic and thank you
for having me.
627
::It's been a pleasure speaking to you.
628
::Thank you.
629
::MaryLayo: Here's a spiritual wellness tip for
you to meditate on.
630
::It's John, chapter ten, verse ten, and it
reads, the thief comes only to steal and kill
631
::and destroy.
632
::I have come that they may have life and have
633
::it to the full.
634
::Thanks for listening.
635
::Do follow and join me again next time on
beyond the smile with MaryLayo.
