Battling through Trauma: Ricky's Journey
Battling through Trauma
MaryLayo talks with Ricky Sluder, a Life & Relationship Coach, who shares about his journey surviving childhood abuse, neglect and loss. Ricky shares about what helped him to receive inner healing and develop his relationship with God.
MaryLayo’s spiritual wellness tip is: meditate on Revelations 3:20. For more insights on mental health and spiritual wellbeing. Remember to follow and share if you found the discussion helpful.
#BeyondTheSmile #Trauma #MaryLayoTalks #MentalHealth #ChristianFaith #ChildAbuse
Marylayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the bible scripture Revelation 3:20.
For dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.
Guest details:
Ricky is a Life & Relationship Coach and leading expert globally in the field of fraud detection and prevention. Ricky served the state of Texas as a Special Criminal Investigator (Hostage Negotiator), attached to an FBI Task Force in Dallas, TX.
After leaving law enforcement, Ricky spent 13 years working for large technology firms like IBM and SAS, offering fraud detection solutions and consulting services in more than 29 countries.
In 2022, Ricky published his book, Accepting Truth, Finding Hope! Being a childhood trauma survivor, and having battled Complex PTSD himself, Ricky developed a faith-based alternative to the traditional mental health model.
An avid writer, Ricky also enjoys writing feature length film screenplays, and he has a passion for public speaking. He earned a Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice from Texas State University. A proud father of two, and a fifth generation Texan, he resides in Fort Worth, Texas.
Transcript
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::MaryLayo: Welcome to beyond the smile with me,
MaryLayo, a podcast that discusses mental
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::health and spiritual wellbeing.
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::If you like what you hear, please do remember
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::to follow and share.
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::But before we jump in, there may be episodes
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::that are particularly sensitive for some
listeners.
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::And if that applies, then I hope you will join
me whenever you feel ready and able.
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::In today's episode, I'm speaking to guest
Ricky Sluder about a series of traumatic
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::events he encountered since childhood.
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::Ricky shares about issues which can be
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::particularly sensitive for some listeners,
such as sexual abuse, and highlights how his
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::relationship with God helped with his road to
recovery.
13
::I start by asking Ricky about an incident that
led to a fatality when he was a teenager.
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::Let's join in the conversation.
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::Ricky: I was 14 years old.
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::I had a really bad childhood.
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::We can get into that, but let's just say that
I was not supervised, as maybe I should have
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::been.
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::And so I was out with some friends and we went
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::to a pond shop.
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::We had been drinking a lot.
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::We needed more beer money, and so we were
going to **** a ring so we could go buy more
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::alcohol.
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::And while we were there, two of the crew went
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::inside and a car pulled up.
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::And it was a gang.
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::I could tell that they were a gang.
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::And when my two friends came out of the ****
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::shop, we were parked in a back alley.
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::It was a real bad part of town.
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::And when they came out, that gang was kind of
lying in wait.
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::They were waiting for them and they.
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::They came out knives and, you know, attempted
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::to rob them.
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::And a fight was on.
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::And one of my compadres, if you will, was
trying to get back into the car.
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::I was in the car and I was trying to help.
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::As I was doing that, this other person came
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::behind that guy and he came into the car.
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::So as I'm trying to come out, he's coming in
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::and he puts a knife between my eyes.
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::And I'm 14, you know, he's an adult.
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::And he.
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::He told me he was going to kill me, told me to
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::give me all my money.
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::And I don't know how I knew to be calm and
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::rationalise with him, but I. I pointed out to
him that, hey, look, man, we're at a ****
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::shop.
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::If I had money, I wouldn't be here.
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::And I ended up just rationalising with him to
the point that he kind of looked at me, like
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::dumbfounded, and he ended up backing away.
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::He pulled the knife away from my eyes, and for
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::whatever reason, he bought what I was selling.
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::And he decided not to kill me.
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::And as he backed out of the car, one of my
friends had retrieved a machete from the other
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::side of the car that we had.
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::And I watched him basically stab him through
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::the back and out the chest.
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::And the guy fell down dead, narrowly avoided
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::him killing me, and then watched him die.
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::MaryLayo: What was the outcome in the sense of
how you were your friends at the time, how you
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::got through that?
You got over that?
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::Ricky: I worried about myself because I didn't
lose a wink of sleep that night.
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::We lied to the police, first of all.
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::So did the other two, the other crew.
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::There was kind of a known thing that you
don't.
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::You don't talk to the police.
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::Right?
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::You handle yourselves.
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::They had drugged their guy away before the
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::police had had actually shown up.
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::So the body wasn't found.
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::And so we all just told a story that wasn't
true.
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::I went home.
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::Of course I slept without any problems.
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::And it really bothered me that it didn't
bother me, if that makes sense.
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::And the Dallas police department, homicide
division, called my house, called my mom the
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::next day and explained that they had in the
evidence room my letter jacket and some other
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::belongings that they had stolen.
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::I did give the guy my jacket.
81
::I didn't tell you that I gave him my jacket as
a way to prevent him from killing.
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::It's something I had to give him.
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::So they have retrieved that.
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::And when my mom gets off the phone with a
homicide detective, she asked me, hey, what
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::happened last night?
I tell her a completely b's story.
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::You know, she never asked any question, never
took me to get my property.
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::She just, like it was no big deal, just
dropped it, moved on, went on with her life.
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::And so that's, that hurt more than anything
else.
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::So when you asked me how did I cope with it or
get over it, I didn't.
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::I just stuffed it down and said, life goes on.
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::Keep.
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::Keep moving.
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::You know, nobody cares, so why should you?
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::MaryLayo: I'm wondering that given that there
was a few of you together.
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::Ricky: Mm hmm.
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::MaryLayo: Would you say that you all kind of
dealt with it in the same way?
97
::Ricky: I think so.
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::I can't speak for them.
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::Right.
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::MaryLayo: Yeah.
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::Ricky: But, you know, when you're young,
especially when you're a man or at that time,
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::I was still a boy, really admitting that
something bothers you, you know, would make,
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::would make me weak.
104
::And I ran around with a tough crowd that we
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::fought.
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::We, you know, we acted like we were tough.
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::And so I had to.
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::I had to play the part.
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::That's what I thought.
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::I know now that was the wrong way to handle
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::it, but I, I didn't know then how to handle
it, so I just pushed it to the side and said,
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::you know, that's a, that's a, that's a problem
for future Ricky.
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::And, and it came back to bite me.
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::MaryLayo: One of the things you alluded to is
your mom's response to what happened.
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::Tell me more about, I guess, the abandonment
or the lack of that parental oversight,
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::guardianship that, you know, that children
would normally experience or hopefully they
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::would experience that you didn't necessarily
get.
118
::Tell us about.
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::More about your upbringing.
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::Ricky: I think I was about four years old when
my dad owned a construction company.
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::He had done some work for a guy and I think
the guy ended up defrauding him for about
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::$90,000 US, which is a lot of money in 1979.
123
::Its a lot of money today.
124
::And it ruined him financially.
125
::He was a self made person who had just worked
126
::hard and built a business and this guy ruined
him overnight.
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::And my dad already had an emotional cup that
was full.
128
::And all this did was cause all of that to just
spill out.
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::They always say the people who are closest to
you hurt you the most, right?
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::And so he didn't, I don't think he knew how to
process what was happening to him.
131
::And he, he became very violent and he wanted
to murder the man.
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::But he.
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::I don't guess he could get access to him to do
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::that.
135
::So he decided to, you know, just let his rage
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::flow from time to time.
137
::He would destroy our homes.
138
::He would watch them rip a recliner in half
with his bare hands.
139
::And he then decided that, you know, he would
kill all of us and then kill himself.
140
::I found him under his truck one night.
141
::I came home from a baseball game.
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::I'm seven at this point.
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::He was under the truck and I saw something
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::shiny under the truck.
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::So I looked down and he had a loaded 44 to his
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::head.
147
::And he was practising for what I learned
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::later, he was practising.
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::So I went and told my mom.
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::And then eventually he ended up leaving the
family.
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::He got help.
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::I applaud him for getting help.
153
::What I don't understand is why he never
checked on us.
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::He just kind of made cameo visits here and
there and he was absent.
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::Uh, my mom, we went from living on five acres
of land, country horses, that kind of stuff,
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::to moving to an apartment.
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::And when my mom told me that we were, that my
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::dad had left, they were divorcing and that we
were moving, you know, she said, we're getting
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::a two bedroom apartment.
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::I'm like, well, there's three of us.
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::How's that going to work?
And she said, well, your sister will get one
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::room because she's a girl, she will take the
other room because she's the mom, and I'll
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::sleep on the couch.
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::So what I didn't realise is that none of my
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::toys, none of my, you know, things that you
have when you're an eight year old little boy
166
::were coming with you.
167
::Right around the same time that all that
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::occurred, I had also been molested by a family
member.
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::And ironically, the same day that I was
molested, I also discovered ***********.
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::Too early of an age for that to occur, either
things to occur, but that was the sequence of
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::events.
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::So, um, I was a very obedient child.
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::I was terrified of my dad.
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::And one day I was playing in a living room.
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::I knocked over a horse was made out of brass.
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::It was sitting on the end table.
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::Made my dad very mad, um, that I did that.
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::So he told me to go pick a belt that he was
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::going to, you know, whipped me with.
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::And so I'm looking at his closet going, all of
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::your belts are terrible.
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::I don't want to get hit with any of these.
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::So I picked one that I thought would do the
least damage.
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::Hand it to him.
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::And instead of him taking and bending it, you
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::know, to spank me with it, instead he wrapped
the tail of it around his hand and the buckle
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::dropped toward the floor and he began slinging
it and screaming at the top of his lungs, you
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::know, you think that won't effing hurt you?
And I'm like, I'm pretty sure you're going to
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::kill me with it, right?
And he's hitting the walls, he's hitting
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::furniture.
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::Sheetrock and splinters of wood are flying at
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::me and I'm.
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::I'm terrified of what is about to happen to
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::me.
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::And so that's the backdrop of my childhood.
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::And so then my mom, after they divorced, she
hadn't worked previously.
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::She had to get a job.
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::She didn't make a lot of money.
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::We were very poor.
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::She did the best she could and she was caught
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::up in her own storm with trying to work two
jobs to support us and just make sure we
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::stayed fed.
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::That was a challenge.
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::And so she wasn't available to me the way I
needed her to be.
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::And I basically raised myself, you know, for
about nine years old on whatever I needed to
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::do.
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::I did it myself.
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::MaryLayo: So it was basically almost like a
world turned upside down.
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::And it was a very different home life,
childhood experience, what you were
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::encountering.
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::Ricky: Yeah, I liken it to a hurricane.
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::A hurricane, you know, it can be a peaceful
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::day, and then all of a sudden, one band of the
hurricane will come through and hit you, and
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::then the eye of the hurricane comes, it's
peace again, and then you got that next wave
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::coming of the band.
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::And it was a lot like that, where we had
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::moments that were peaceful, then absolute hell
and then peace and then absolute hell again.
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::MaryLayo: So, Ricky, you mentioned about the
sexual abuse that was also going on.
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::Did you actually disclose that?
Did you share that with your parents?
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::Did you share that with an adult or anyone?
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::Ricky: I told no one.
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::The person who did this was my most trusted
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::person.
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::As stupid as it sounds.
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::I didn't want to betray the trust, even though
the trust had been betrayed against me.
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::That's the only person I had.
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::And when you're in that kind of situation and
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::you only have one person and that person hurts
you, what do you do?
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::MaryLayo: How many years did this carry on
for?
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::Ricky: So the abuse was a one.
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::That was a one time event.
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::I just never told anybody.
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::I ended up telling my mom and confronting the
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::person when I was about 42 years old.
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::I needed to get it out of.
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::MaryLayo: Me, but it was a trusted person.
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::Did you still have a, let's call it a
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::relationship of some kind where they were
still that trusted person after the event?
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::It's almost like elephant in the room.
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::It wasn't discussed.
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::It wasn't talked about.
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::Ricky: You can either let go of the fact that
the person hurt you and hang on to the only
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::relationship that you think you have in this
world, or you can let go of the only
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::relationship you have in this world.
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::And I didn't know what the right thing to do
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::was.
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::MaryLayo: How would you say, those
experiences, those event, how did that affect
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::you, as in your personality, or had a
terrible.
249
::Ricky: A terrible impact on me?
The whole circumstance, the way everything
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::kind of happened all at once, what it put me
into a position of doing is going from shy,
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::quietenhe country boy to living more in a city
type environment.
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::Even though it was a small town, I was around
a different crowd of people.
253
::And so I went from cowboy to thug.
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::I had to become somebody I wasn't to just
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::survive each day.
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::And so I developed what I call situated
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::identity.
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::I never really let anybody know the real me
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::after that, they'll get a snapshot of who I
want them to think I am based on the situation
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::that I'm in.
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::And then other people didn't know, that part
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::of me even existed.
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::They had no idea I was hanging out at the
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::street races.
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::I knew all kinds of drug dealers.
266
::I had people that if I called them, I could
ask to have somebody killed.
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::And some certain segments of my life, they
just thought that I was an honour roll
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::student, an athlete, a shy, polite boy.
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::They have no idea of all these different masks
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::that I was putting on every single day.
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::MaryLayo: I mean, that's interesting.
272
::I would then ask, would you say that you even
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::knew who the real you was at that point?
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::Ricky: Think about it this way.
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::Your formative years are during that period of
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::time that all that happened to me.
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::And I came out of that, of those formative
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::years into being a teenager and battling
hormones and society and all the **** that you
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::have to deal with.
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::You know, I was just that person in the
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::moment.
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::And it was much later that I had to finally
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::confront, who are you really?
284
::MaryLayo: Tell me about, like, your later
teenage years, maybe even your early twenties.
285
::I'm trying to build a picture in my head in
terms of, like, how long did that continue
286
::for?
And when did you start growing up?
287
::Or how.
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::When did you start becoming more responsible?
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::Or how your life shaped past those, I guess,
early, formative, youthful kind of years,
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::really.
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::Ricky: It was after the.
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::It was after watching the man get killed.
293
::I realised that, you know, this whole thug
life isn't it.
294
::There's a reality to it that isn't just fun
and games.
295
::It isn't, you know, it isn't something that
you can just laugh about and it'd be okay the
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::next day.
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::And I knew that I was born what we say in the
298
::States, as poor white trash, okay?
I didn't want that to continue.
299
::You know, I was a good student in school.
300
::I made straight a's.
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::I was a good athlete.
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::I was very competitive in football and other
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::things.
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::And I was also a very good actor.
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::I was in like one act plays and stuff and was
very good at it.
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::And it's why I was able to accomplish putting
masks on so well, because I was a very good
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::actor.
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::So I'm doing all those things, but I have this
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::other secret life people don't know about
that's running on the side.
310
::So I go to my high school counsellor as I'm
coming up closer to time to graduate.
311
::And I got hair past my shoulders.
312
::I reek of cigarette smoke, but I looked scary,
313
::honestly.
314
::And so I go to him and say, hey, man, there's
315
::only been one person in my entire family who's
ever even graduated high school.
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::I'll be the second.
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::I want to go to college.
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::I want to make something out of my life.
319
::How do I do it?
320
::I have nobody to talk to.
321
::And he looked at me and he said, you know,
322
::you're just not really college material.
323
::And I went, why not?
324
::I got good grades doing this and that.
325
::And he said, ricky, I think you really ought
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::to think about going to automotive technician
school.
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::MaryLayo: I don't think that.
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::Ricky: And I went, okay.
329
::So what he did was he looked at me and he
330
::said, you're just poor white trash.
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::Stay on your side of the tracks.
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::Don't think about being something, that you're
nothing.
333
::And I left his office.
334
::I politely left his office.
335
::I told him, thank you for his advice, and I
left.
336
::And in my heart and in my head, as I'm walking
back to class, I said, you know what?
337
::F you, buddy.
338
::I'm going to college.
339
::One way or another, I'm going.
340
::And I just developed a chip on my shoulder.
341
::I got angry about, don't tell me I can't do
something.
342
::As my mother used to quip.
343
::She'd always say, hide and watch me.
344
::You know, and so that was kind of my way of
saying, hide and watch me.
345
::I will go to college.
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::And I had a lot of things stacked against me,
347
::but I went.
348
::I worked full time, I graduated from college
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::with honours.
350
::And then, you know, I had to.
351
::I had to step out and be a man, but I still
didn't know how to do it.
352
::You know, it's like I accomplished the thing I
said I was going to do, but I'm still a broken
353
::mess inside.
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::MaryLayo: I guess I'm impressed.
355
::The fact that, you know, given you didn't
356
::have, let's just say, pushy parents that were
on your case when it came to your education or
357
::even when it came to your athletics and going
to college, because I'm just.
358
::I'm impressed with the fact that you.
359
::It's like you still had your eyes set on being
360
::successful and being a high achiever and going
in a particular path.
361
::And usually it's external factors, especially
when you're younger.
362
::That kind of motive brings that motivation,
those values.
363
::So I'm trying to understand how.
364
::Where that came from.
365
::Ricky: I think it was two.
366
::Two.
367
::I don't call them events because they weren't
singular, but two things that influenced one
368
::was before the wheels fell off of my family
cart.
369
::Okay.
370
::When things were, I'd say, normal, you know,
371
::my mom and my dad both would tell me all the
time I was smart, you know, they would at
372
::least affirm me in that way.
373
::So I believed that.
374
::And I was an intelligent person.
375
::And so I thought, I guess growing up in the
376
::eighties, you know, and nineties, the whole
idea was, well, you go to school, you go to
377
::college, you, you know, you become a business
person, work in corporate America.
378
::That's the american dream.
379
::And so I just knew that when the wheels fell
380
::off.
381
::And now we're ahead very poor, we.
382
::I don't really have enough to eat.
383
::I'm malnourished.
384
::I don't want to live this way.
385
::Like, I've already seen what life can be like
386
::because it wasn't always this way.
387
::And so I don't want to.
388
::I don't want to die this way.
389
::I may have to live this way right now, but
390
::I'll be damned if I meet Jesus this way.
391
::And so, because I said that too at eight years
392
::old, everything kind of happened at eight.
393
::I didn't grow up in church, but I did have an
394
::uncle who was a baptist preacher, and I had
gone to a couple of his sermons and heard him
395
::talk about the rapture.
396
::So I had asked Jesus to be my lord and saviour
397
::when I was eight, right before everything fell
apart.
398
::And I believe that was God's way of pursuing
me, getting a hold of me in a way that had he
399
::not at that point, God only knows where I'd
probably be in prison, probably dead.
400
::But he got ahold of me in a small way, I
extrapolated my dad and how angry and mean he
401
::was, and I assumed God was the same way.
402
::The reason for that, Mary, is because my uncle
403
::always, everything that I heard, he always
preached on the, on, on revelation, you know,
404
::on the rapture and the second coming.
405
::And I was just like, oh, my God, God.
406
::Like, I confirmed, God hates me, God's angry,
and I better mind myself.
407
::If I don't, it'll be hell to pay, you know?
And so I had this unhealthy theology and
408
::unhealthy fear that was always in the
background.
409
::So a part of me was striving to please and
appease.
410
::And I realise now, not the way to do it, but,
you know, as a young boy, the things that
411
::influence you are the things that influence
you.
412
::And so that was in the background, I guess I
knew there was a God and I wanted him to be
413
::proud of me, just like I wanted my parents to
be proud of me.
414
::MaryLayo: When did things start to unpack and
maybe.
415
::How, how and when did things start to unpack
for you?
416
::Ricky: Took a long time, 37 years old is when
I really began to confront things.
417
::So there was more sequences of events and more
storms that I had to live through.
418
::What I didn't share with you is that because
of the sexual abuse that I encountered, it
419
::made me a very sexually curious person at a
much earlier age than I needed to be.
420
::I'm going to say as a man or probably as a
woman, too, but, you know, you start to
421
::wondering about things, and then, because I
was on this, I'm gonna call it a rat wheel of
422
::insanity, like a little gerbil or a hamster,
you know, running as fast as I can, going
423
::nowhere, trying to please people.
424
::And I foolishly thought that because the
425
::person that I loved did that to me, that maybe
then that's how I can get people to love me,
426
::right?
And so I became a very sexually promiscuous
427
::person, and I was constantly trying to.
428
::Trying to just get somebody to love me.
429
::You know, that was my goal.
430
::And that carried me from about 15 through my
431
::twenties.
432
::I was a very athletic person.
433
::I was, like, seven to 9% body fat.
434
::I was in incredible shape, and I was a
435
::handsome young man.
436
::So I had no problem attracting whoever I
437
::wanted to into my.
438
::And my little web of please love me.
439
::You know, I didn't want to hurt them at all.
440
::I just wanted them to love me.
441
::And I didn't know how to go about it in the
right way.
442
::I became a police officer after college, so
all that did was further, you know, stoke the
443
::fires, you know?
Now I'm a man in uniform, and, you know, when
444
::in Rome, do as the Romans.
445
::And that's what I did.
446
::Made detective very early.
447
::I was 24 years old when I was a detective and
448
::rose through the ranks, I was incredibly
successful at what I did.
449
::God was very good to me.
450
::Even though I was living like hell, as in my
451
::first marriage, I know I kept track of at
least 18 different affairs that I had in that
452
::marriage.
453
::I'm not proud of that, but I'm honest about
454
::it.
455
::And while all of that's happening, my best
456
::friend gets killed in a line of duty.
457
::I had never challenged God before.
458
::I had let all these things just pile on me and
pile on me, and I just stuffed them down or
459
::pushed them to the side and just kept going,
you know, thinking foolishly that that somehow
460
::was going to help me.
461
::But when Kurt was killed on May 8, 2004, one,
462
::I didn't know about it because of my foolish
pride.
463
::I had changed my number.
464
::I had talked to him two weeks before, and I
465
::told him I'd call him back with my new number.
466
::And I never did it.
467
::And I find out through an investigation that
I'm working with some other agencies that he
468
::got killed.
469
::And so I call his wife, widow, at that time, I
470
::guess, and tell her how sorry I was that I
wasn't there.
471
::I missed his funeral.
472
::And all that did was make me feel even
473
::smaller, even worse about myself, you know?
And it just incensed me.
474
::And so for the first time in my life, I went
metaphorically into the throne.
475
::Throne room of God.
476
::And I didn't knock.
477
::I kicked the door open and I cussed him out.
478
::And I told him he got the wrong guy, that he
479
::was supposed to take me, that my life didn't
matter.
480
::Kurtz did.
481
::And I was mad at him that.
482
::Why would he do that?
Everybody loved Kurt.
483
::Nobody loves me.
484
::And I think it was that pivotal, defining
485
::moment where I think, really, God was probably
like, all right, now we're getting somewhere.
486
::Right?
Now you're being honest, right?
487
::Maybe you're not doing it in the way you
should, but you're finally not hiding behind a
488
::mask.
489
::And I had never confessed those things before.
490
::And I never realised that I chose law
enforcement because I thought it was a way.
491
::But every time we would do something
dangerous, I volunteered to be the first guy
492
::in the door.
493
::Because I thought, if I get shot, who cares?
494
::But that guy matters.
495
::I don't.
496
::And two, it was the way for me to die a hero
and force everybody who said I was nothing to
497
::have to admit they were wrong.
498
::Foolishness, you know?
499
::But.
500
::But that's what you do when you have a wounded
501
::heart.
502
::And so it was that kind of stuff that started
503
::to unpack in me when Kurt got killed.
504
::And I began to realise, you know, that what I
505
::was doing, how I was living, was wrong.
506
::I still didn't know how to change it.
507
::But I was beginning to recognise some things
that I had to deal with at some point.
508
::MaryLayo: What kind of led you to stop
striving for acceptance from others when
509
::you're a people pleaser?
And I've been there, and I'm sure that many
510
::people have been there, or are there in that
place.
511
::So how did you.
512
::And I'm sure it was a journey.
513
::How did you get to that place where you
weren't looking to please people, either
514
::intentionally or even unintentionally?
How did you get to a more healthy place if.
515
::If you're there?
516
::Ricky: Well, what's funny is that God had to
turn the heat up even more to get me to
517
::recognise something.
518
::And the way he did it was through the life of
519
::my daughter.
520
::So in my first marriage, we were told that we
521
::could not conceive.
522
::And the moment we decided to get divorced, she
523
::got pregnant.
524
::And again, I went to the throne room of God
525
::and told him, you ******** up again?
Like, why would you.
526
::Why would you put a kid in this?
I don't want this child to relive my life.
527
::That's what I told him.
528
::I said, it's the last thing I want.
529
::And.
530
::And I had been listening to different radio
531
::preachers and I've been trying to understand
the Bible.
532
::I've been really trying to understand God.
533
::I hadn't figured him out yet, but I was
534
::trying.
535
::And my daughter comes along and then I just.
536
::I recognised, or at least I conceded with.
537
::With God.
538
::That, one, I'm sorry, I shouldn't cuss you
out, ever.
539
::Two, I'm scared because I don't want this
child's life to be mine.
540
::And three, I recognise that I don't create
life, I just get to enjoy the process.
541
::You create life.
542
::Right.
543
::And so you gave me this child.
544
::I'm giving the child back to you.
545
::That's what I told him.
546
::I said, you do with this child what you want
547
::and I'll just do my best to be a good dad
along the way.
548
::MaryLayo: Like, one of the things that you
mentioned earlier is about, I think you said
549
::when you were 42, how you basically opened up
and you shared to your mom and I think, the
550
::other person, what happened to you when you
were.
551
::When you were young and you were a child.
552
::So was it that was it that experience that led
553
::to coming to a point where you were then able
to share and talk and when things out of the
554
::closet had been suppressed and packed away and
hidden.
555
::Yeah.
556
::Tell us about how you got to that point.
557
::Ricky: You know, the mind.
558
::So our soul people may say, I don't have a
559
::soul.
560
::You do.
561
::Your mind, your will and your emotions reside
in your soul.
562
::You won't find them in any physicality in your
body, not in your brain.
563
::Right?
So we have to reside somewhere.
564
::They're in your soul.
565
::And so this is soul level work that you have
566
::to be willing to do.
567
::And it's much like when you.
568
::Maybe you get bit by a poisonous snake or you
have a cut that you don't tend to and he gets
569
::infected.
570
::Okay.
571
::All of that hurt.
572
::All of those things that are in you, if you've
573
::never felt them, if you've never mourned the
loss of somebody who hurt you, that loved you,
574
::you have to be willing to deal with the wound,
right?
575
::You got to get the venom out.
576
::So I had to go back and relive all of that.
577
::I had to mourn the loss.
578
::It was hell.
579
::I spent seven years doing that every single
day with God, and learning how to love myself
580
::and realising I was worth loving and learning
how to love him.
581
::And then once I did the hard work for myself,
I knew that the only way I could be healthy
582
::from a mental health perspective was to set
appropriate boundaries for myself.
583
::And so I had two responsibilities to the
people who had hurt me before, not to hurt
584
::them back.
585
::That was not it.
586
::It wasn't about retaliation or revenge.
587
::It was about.
588
::I need you to hear that you hurt me.
589
::I need to get this off my chest.
590
::I need to say it.
591
::I'm not saying it to hurt you.
592
::And if that's your response, that's between
you and God.
593
::That's not my problem.
594
::Right.
595
::But I am redrawing the boundary lines of what
a healthy relationship is going to look like.
596
::And you can respect my boundaries and we can
be in relationship together, or you don't have
597
::to and we won't.
598
::And what I had to realise is that not
599
::everybody that is in your life needs to remain
in your life.
600
::There are necessary endings in life that
happen.
601
::There are necessary conversations as well that
also have to happen.
602
::And if you ever want to have healthy mental
health, and if you ever want to be emotionally
603
::available and healthy, you have to be willing
to get toxic situations and toxic people out
604
::of your life.
605
::And you have to be willing to draw lines in
606
::the sand to say, here are the boundaries, obey
them, or you have to go.
607
::And you have to be willing to take that stand.
608
::And just like your shirt says, make yourself a
609
::priority.
610
::MaryLayo: So a couple of things.
611
::One is you mentioned about for seven years
612
::each day, you know, I guess allowing God to
work with you, doing stuff.
613
::What did that look like?
And then linked to that is, I know that
614
::there'll be people listening and wondering,
maybe even questioning the fact that you said,
615
::you've been talking about how God spoke to
you, you've been having these conversations,
616
::and they'll be wondering, like, how.
617
::How do you hear from God?
618
::And this is probably even another episode in
itself, but perhaps if you can maybe even try
619
::and shed a little bit of light to how you grew
to hear God's voice and have that kind of
620
::relationship where you're talking with each
other.
621
::Ricky: It started with journaling.
622
::So the whole process started with journaling.
623
::I had a mentor who told me that I needed to
sit down and instead of just praying in my
624
::mind, I needed to write this stuff down.
625
::And some mornings you wake up and you're
626
::****** off at the world and that's what Kerry,
write it down.
627
::And so what I started doing was I started
writing it as though I was writing a letter.
628
::And I had learned that the scripture says
that, that God has a name called Abba.
629
::And Abba means father or daddy.
630
::And so I thought, I didn't have a daddy.
631
::I'd love to have one.
632
::So now you're my daddy.
633
::And so I started the letter.
634
::Every morning I put the date on it and I'd
635
::say, good morning, daddy.
636
::And I just start telling them my heart.
637
::And when I first started, I was very, it was
trite.
638
::I wasn't being sincere at all.
639
::I didn't want to do it.
640
::I was only doing it because my mentor told me
to do it.
641
::But what I heard in this thoughts that I was
not thinking, I didn't expect this to happen.
642
::I wrote out this thing saying, I'm here, I'm
doing blah, blah, blah, blah.
643
::And I paused and waited.
644
::And all of a sudden I have these thoughts that
645
::are coming through my head that I know are not
from me.
646
::And they basically said, when you, when you
really want to do this for real with me, you
647
::let me know, I'll be here.
648
::But right now your heart is not true.
649
::And I was like, ouch.
650
::Okay, you're right.
651
::And so I just wrote it down.
652
::Right?
653
::And so every day I would, I would get up early
in the morning.
654
::I made that my quiet time.
655
::Sometimes I would write, I'd pour my heart
656
::out.
657
::Sometimes I would hear things and I'd have
658
::these thoughts that I thought were coming from
God.
659
::I'd write them down.
660
::Sometimes I'd get nothing.
661
::So I wrote nothing down the next day.
662
::Next day I just kept at it.
663
::I also began to read scripture.
664
::I began to, you know, continue to learn, uh,
665
::about God through his word.
666
::And I just blended the two things.
667
::And what I, what I got out of this, out of
this, as I say, the thoughts that I'm not
668
::thinking, but they're, but they're happening
in my mind, I realised that's the voice of
669
::God.
670
::He's talking to me, he's sharing things with
671
::me.
672
::I just always thought I had this vivid
673
::imagination, you know, that I have these crazy
thoughts sometimes.
674
::No. It's the Holy Spirit who is speaking to
you through you.
675
::And all of us have different spiritual gifts.
676
::We all have a different way in which maybe we.
677
::We can communicate with God.
678
::Sometimes I may see something, I may see a
679
::bird or I may have certain signs or whatever
that occur that I can extrapolate that, okay?
680
::God's trying to communicate to me through
this.
681
::Sometimes it's through other people, sometimes
it's through the Bible, sometimes it's through
682
::those thoughts.
683
::And I just began becoming intentional about
684
::sharing what was on my heart with.
685
::With the living God.
686
::Because if he's real, then he's going to care,
right?
687
::And I began to then write down these things
that I thought.
688
::And then I started asking questions.
689
::And then I began seeing how he was moving in
690
::my life and I could go back and review the
record because I've been writing it down.
691
::That's why writing it down is so important.
692
::And so as I'm along that journey and I'm doing
693
::this over the seven year period, one of the
things he told me was he said, you know, you
694
::never allowed yourself to feel any of that
hurt.
695
::He said, why didn't you do that?
And I said, because who wants to feel that?
696
::And he said, you got to let yourself feel it.
697
::You got to hurt.
698
::It's okay to hurt.
699
::And so I had to go back and he said, I want
700
::you to write down everybody who's hurt you.
701
::He said, I want you to start thinking through
702
::how they hurt you.
703
::I want you to let yourself feel it.
704
::And then I want you to forgive them.
705
::I was like, I don't want to forgive some of
706
::these people.
707
::And he's like, you got to forgive them.
708
::You may never forget it, but you have to
forgive them.
709
::It's not your job to judge them.
710
::And you got to remember something, son.
711
::They're just as screwed up as you are.
712
::And it helped me realise that while I didn't
713
::appreciate the things that maybe my dad or my
mom said, but I had to recognise they're just
714
::as broken as me.
715
::They're on their journey, too.
716
::And that's what allowed me to let them go and
forgive them and say, I don't agree with what
717
::you did, but I'm sure somebody out there
doesn't agree with what I did either.
718
::MaryLayo: So, Ricky, I want to ask you to, I
guess, pick out the key things that has really
719
::helped you along the way.
720
::So I'm thinking particularly about people who
721
::feel like their life is such a mess and
there's no way out of this mess.
722
::Yeah.
723
::That it's probably just too much, you know?
724
::And how can they get past that mess just
because of all that's happened?
725
::And I think you're such a good example of
someone who's been through a lot.
726
::I don't think anyone would say any different
and yet is able to speak about it.
727
::And it's very rare that people talk openly
about some of the things that they've gone
728
::through, the things that you've gone through.
729
::So what would you say and what would you say
730
::are the key things?
731
::Ricky: So I had in my book, I say that I used
to build sand castles on secret beaches, okay,
732
::that nobody knew about.
733
::And it's a metaphor for the sin that I was
734
::caught up in.
735
::It's not a proud moment when you go before God
736
::and man and say, I'm a sex addict, right?
In fact, sex was my God.
737
::That's hard to do.
738
::And I think every single one, I don't think I
739
::know every single one of you out there right
now, you have something that you've told
740
::yourself.
741
::I am taking that to my grave.
742
::Ain't nobody going to know what I did.
743
::Don't do that.
744
::You got to let it out.
745
::Because right now, you see, it has power over
746
::you.
747
::As long as you give it power.
748
::The longer you withhold it, the longer you
hide it, the more you can have any control
749
::over it.
750
::And the thing that I'm most thankful for is
751
::that I began to open this door and tell
everybody what a mess I am.
752
::Because you know what?
Anybody now who comes at me and goes, yeah,
753
::but you're such and such.
754
::I'm like, you know that because I told you.
755
::What are you going to do?
You use that against me?
756
::I give a ****.
757
::I'm the one who confessed it.
758
::So you may not have anybody in your life.
759
::You may not have that mentor.
760
::Well, guess what?
You got me if you want me.
761
::Because if you need somebody to talk to,
that's what I do.
762
::You want to.
763
::You want to need somebody to help you through
764
::something, but you got to ask for help.
765
::You see, the God of the universe created a
766
::whole lot of planets and a whole lot of stars.
767
::There's a bunch of rocks that are out there in
768
::space.
769
::Yet we're all on one, which means that we need
770
::to be connected with one another.
771
::So stop isolating and start reaching out for
772
::help.
773
::You're hurting, you're struggling.
774
::You're trying to do it by yourself.
775
::But if you hadn't figured it out now, you
776
::ain't going to.
777
::So find somebody that you can go to and say,
778
::let me open up my closet.
779
::Let me show you all my skeletons.
780
::And the thing that I do now for everybody that
I talk to is that I hold my hands up like
781
::this.
782
::And I say, before we get started, I want you
783
::to know I do not have any stones to throw at
you.
784
::Not one.
785
::Because I got my own ****, right?
786
::And many times that person isn't willing to
step out and just tell all their ****.
787
::That's why I tell mine.
788
::Because if I can do it, why don't you just
789
::follow me?
Right?
790
::It's okay to say you don't have it figured
out.
791
::It's okay to say you're hurting.
792
::It's okay to say that you screwed something
793
::up.
794
::What's not okay is to go blame everybody else
795
::for what you've done.
796
::So you've got to find somebody to talk to.
797
::Tell a friend.
798
::If you don't have a friend, then find somebody
799
::like me who's willing to help you and help you
find solutions, not just keep asking.
800
::How does that make you feel?
801
::MaryLayo: I'm on that memory key.
802
::Thank you.
803
::And I'm just so thankful for you being that
person who's able to share and be open and
804
::transparent so that you can help others.
805
::So thank you so much.
806
::Ricky: It's my pleasure.
807
::And thank you again for allowing me to share
808
::my testimony on your show.
809
::MaryLayo: Thanks for listening.
810
::Do follow and join me again next time on
811
::beyond the smile with MaryLayo.
